I drank like a thousand beers last night and my poo is solid, not gross like usual. I think this means I've grown up.
When i woke up this morning she asked me 'when did you first find out that you could see the future.' I gotta stop drinking.
we cant have a funnel and a dog. thats a lot of responsibility
You should've come out last night, I need someone to explain why the bartender tried to strangle me...
The doctor asked me what height I fell from to hurt my back.. I answered keg height
So i forgot that my head is completely wrapped in gauze, and tried to do the "come hither" look. He think's i'm brain damaged
i am way too old to be getting fingered at work
You'd think, but when you nail one sorority sister, you might as well have nailed them all.
It's now 8:05 on a Wednesday night and I'm already going home with my bra in my purse.
Another day, another engagement, another cat
We broke into the kitchen, stole cooking aprons, and wore them on the dance floor.
My dog just ran downstairs with my vibrator in her mouth... during my dad's birthday dinner.
Every time we have sex, I feel his dick ramming my soul into submission. Problem is..... I LIKE THAT SHIT!
I’m really upset they canceled the conference. Since the divorce I’ve been working out, I bought cute new outfits and even found a bikini I liked. Now it’s all online. You can’t get laid at a webinar
I cant wait to tell our kids we met because you subscribed to my onlyfans.
Randomize
