that shirt you're wearing that says "officially single" makes me think you'll be that way for a really long fucking time.
As a driver I hate pedestrians, and as a pedestrian I hate drivers, but no matter what the mode of transportation, I always hate cyclists.
im pretty sure every drug dealer is going to be able to retire the day after alice in wonderland comes out
you drank 3/4s of your half gallon of vodka, made a fort out of the kitchen table, and actaually had sex in in it.
funny how all you have to say is "i'm infertile" and boys are stoked on you
Hey, did you take me to hospital last night?
he broke into my appartment and left me a waffle maker...
Stole every fake plant from the lobby and placed it in front of you're apartment door, Enjoy!
I tried to tell him I love him but it came out something like "We're both fucked up and it works."
You can do it. What doesn't kill us just drives us to drink
I feel like every picture I upload of him on facebook where you can see his purity ring, I should make the caption "something in this picture does not belong"
He was so hammered. He called the cops on the landscapers he thought they were trespassing. 2 were arrested on warrants.
I just want somewhere where I can sit down, without changing my clothes, that will serve me breakfast food and booze. Is that too much to ask?
pretty sure I blew his mind with the sex last night. He repaid me with a five minute conversation about power rangers.
I swear I have some evil slut demon in me when I'm blacked out
Don't we all.
Randomize
