Rylan was made in your driveway. Just thought, as godfather, you should know.
You know its bad when convincing your mother you were masturbating is the better alternative
I'm glad the dog doesn't judge me for doing leftover lines and watching George of the Jungle at 10 am
It was the classiest, most strategic and inspired vomiting I've ever witnessed. Like a blind mans first sunrise. A priests first prayer. Or a virgins first orgasm.
Triple a is towing cars for free tonight and tomorrow night. Can we take advantage of this ?
and i'm going to kill you for what you did to my nipples last night. of course i want to hang out
Hey, remember when Hot Stuff played in the back of the ambulance? Or no, cause of your concussion...
It's that time of night again when I start to think I'm really funny, but no one else is as drunk as I am so they all start avoiding me.
It wasn't a mystery that it was the pizza cooking in the oven when we stumbled out of the bedroom in a smoke filled apartment at 2am. We are dangerous drunks
you know, i'm always afraid you're going to think i only want you for sex because i only text you when i'm horny
speaking of, guess what i'm thinking about
you know it's been too long when the heat of a pizza box on your lap turns you on.
I might attempt to pee into a cup while driving. I'll let you know how it goes.
he just left the suite without pants on wrapped in Christmas lights
She was drunk at Red Robin. She asked for more fries and then shoved them in her purse while saying "Come on bitches, you're coming with me" to them.
Please tell me that nice older woman you're with at the bar is not your comp&lit professor.
Randomize
