so I was just driving high and I stopped to let a pinecone cross the road because I thought it was a hedgehog.
I locked my keys in my car in front of planned parenthood. I'm terrified of going inside to ask to borrow a clothes hangar.
Just tell them you need to fix a mistake real quick.
2 bagels in my tummy and my herpes on my mind
Fell down the metal stairs and some guy tried to fight me after you left. I fell asleep with cadbury eggs in my mouth too.
If you were awake I would probably ride my bike over, fuck you like a god, leave you in the wonders of life, and bike home
They just dared her to tape flip flops to her tits. Entertainment value cannot be found like this in any other part of America.
Please put me on a plane and hypontize me into forgetting the little bit of last night that I do remember.
well I tackled her when she was going to go upstairs because I was convinced that the house was haunted. You gotta stick together in horror movies.
Last time I was your wingman I had to deal with a girl whose only interest in my body was to clip my toenails. I'm not interested.
you said you couldn't hang because you had to masturbate and feed your lizard
Overheard a drunk girl talk about how when she's drunk she believes in more than one God
why the fuck is there hamburger meat in the toaster. i repeat: WHY THE FUCK IS THERE HAMBURGER MEAT IN MY NEW TOASTER
Do not, I repeat, DO NOT uncuff him no matter how much he begs. He knows what he did.
when your dumb AF ex “accidentally” venmos you $50 and texts you asking for it back..... —sorry I accidentally deleted your number and cashed out
I just thought you should know that you should be proud of your dick. It's pretty much perfect. Just, ya know, by the way.
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