They have to be talking about me. I never heard that statement until I was born.
six shots in, he is hammered and doing stretches before each shot
Ever got a vibrator stuck in ur hair? Is worse that getting ur hairbrush stuck.
...well that sucks.
His facebook status is an owl city song. I'm so glad i didn't end up fucking him.
"Tuesday" and "open-bar" shouldn't be used in the same sentence.
I am not one to point fingers but since it says your name "wuz here" next to the dick drawn on my stomach I am holding you personally responsible.
Come help me clean. I know we won't be getting our security deposit back...but I would like to move out with our dignity.
he tried to breastfeed my turtle
The girls we hooked up with were hammered, pushing each other in a shopping cart into the sushi place and through the restaurant... One's a volunteer EMT. God help her patients.
Turns out lunch break sex with someone you cant stand being around for any amount of time just makes you wish you had gone to get tacos like you originally planed.
There is a pile of hair outside the apartment next door. At least now I know what all that shouting was about last night.
SOMEONE WITH THE TWITTER HANDLE "METHLAB" FAVORITED THAT PICTURE
But I got head on a boat yesterday which was sweet until a bald eagle flew over. Then it became life affirming.
I just realized now that I slept with him while he was still wearing the maid costume... I've reached a new level of sexual freakness.
I'll start cleaning the house tonight darlin. So you don't have to fuck your two boytoys in the driveway the next two days.
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