girl in the front row yawned. double jointed jaw. i know where i'll be sitting next class
i found a twelve pack under my bed. and a six pack in my closet. I'm like a fucking alcoholic squirrel.
My roommate just got home. Made an entire package of bacon. Ate it. And then went to bed.
You told the waitress last night "What tip bracket do I have to be in to see your boobs"
Just woke up to my stoned boyfriend building a shrine around my bare ass. He'll never leave me.
Playing hide and seek with all those cheeseburgers... Not our finest moment.
You could probably play six degrees of separation of my cock in this city.
there's chocolate cake in my bathtub.. I don't even want to know how the hell chocolate cake wound up in my tub..
Its okay, i dont mind you drinking, im just surrounded by it, there is some random dude laying on your couch with a bucket that ive never seen before
Bonding with my year old cousin over the fact that we both shit ourselves. Babysitting like a bosss
Just realized I used a picture of my little sister to holler at a guy, only 3 months old and she's already my wingman.
omg so there's this guy on the roof and he just stripped for no reason and now i think he's making out on the rooftop with some other guy? who are these people
I don't think I've ever been sadder than the way I feel when I finish my meal while I'm high
HER BOYFRIEND CAME HOME WHILE WE WERE GETTING IT ON IN THE SHOWER
At least you smelled nice while he kicked your ass.
If it's any consolation she turned out to be has a collection of clown dolls she talks to crazy. And the cops knew why I was calling when she key locked the door from inside.
Randomize
