I'm twenty-five. I'm too old to be watching my friend throw up in Chipolte Parking lot.
I just want to make him a cookie cake that says "you have no chance with me."
Freshman orientation day on campus. Dear diary, JACKPOT.
Just saw a girl i'm pretty sure is simultaneously jailbait and a milf. I never want to leave mexico.
I know what youre going to say and vodka only explains half of my sitation
All I need is the Internet and a place to drink.
Both his mom and his sister were hitting on me when I stopped by today. He isn't a real friend anyway, right?
be ready to rage tomorrow. like naked ranch dressing rage
The number of people who end up getting laid as a result of the cha cha slide....is terrible.
I've never used poorer judgment in my life. It's mathematically possible that I impregnated 5 women in the past 24 hours since I won the lottery. But I couldn't be happier about it.
Did I send you a drunk selfie with a pine tree last night?
I need thought I would ever have to use the phrase "Don't fart on that Calzone".. Thanks for that
There's a super pregnant woman here complaining about back pain. I better not see a live birth in the hair care aisle
I've seen too many naked penises for this to be a normal Monday morning
he said he's going to burn things and pack his stuff. he may leave tomorrow supposedly but i doubt it
Randomize
