I think my grandma died before she was convinced I was straight
I'm such a slut...i kept having sex with him after he called me his ex gf's name. I just felt like i deserved something out of it too.
I just passed on expense account drinking, this must be the worst hangover ever.
...Just between you and me I just did Olympic grade ribbon dancing with toilet paper in the bar bathroom.
Well obviously when I get drunk my intelligence level surpasses yours and that's why you can't understand me.
I've got my wine, though it wasnt very good so I threw a sour patch kid in it
can't decide if i look like a hooker or a missing member of Poison today
Do you want the fat one with an ok face or the skinny ugly one?
It doesn't matter as long as our shame is in tandem.
So my roommate just came out of the shower with a dude...guess that answers all questions as to whether or not he's gay
Their children would look like the Michelin man and smell like chef Boyardee
I think the only option is to smoke so much weed I just pass out for 3 days.
She's eating hot cheetos out of the bag with chopsticks, Matt, how is she NOT my soulmate?
8 minutes into the New Year and and I've already sent a nude...new year, new me?
Thank you for being so charming, but do you have syphilis?
its a comptetion of fuckups and im HERE TO WIN
Randomize
