just broke no shave november. hello backed up drain december.
being a part time student has turned me into a full time alcoholic.
i really need to stop putting makeup on my cats..
And then he used the flashlight app to illuminate me giving him head. Thanks IPhone
I hope you don't have to start the day explaining to me how you failed to turn "Can I practice my belly dancing in your apartment" into all night sex.
Yup, totally tried cooking bacon in the dryer last night.
What's the address?
Too drunk. Just google it.
IT'S YOUR HOUSE
I met this girl the other day and found out her boyfriend is a helicopter pilot. How the fuck do you compete with that.
I don't understand why your family and sex lives should EVER overlap.
time out. can we just pause the wholesome understanding friendship thing and be fuck buddies for a night?
we need a secret handshake
We have to do it Saturday and get a thirty. If i remember correctly it takes me 12 beers to become a wizard
No no no, work drunk and day drunk are totally different. I got drunk with a client and made a huge sale at 1pm. You are still in your PJs and jacking off.
I feel awkward having to tell people “sorry you can’t finger me because I will get a UTI and I don’t have health insurance”
Saw throw up in the parking lot at work, glad I'm not the only one. But now the search begins.
Mary's wearing shades at her desk, brilliant!
I blacked out after the piñata full of condoms
Randomize
