is it sad that i can masturbate and get my big O just from thinking about a Tiffany engagement ring?
woke up at my desk with a paper in front of me that says "people stranded on islands love having wet dreams" what the fuck happened last night
It's sad that he has such a beautiful cock and doesn't know what to do with it.
I made him a flow chart of what to do if I got arrested.
Just high watching the holiday fireplace channel. My space heater lends authenticity to the fire experience. Come over.
KNEE DEEP IN HOES. SEND HELP.
So....I just took a paddle fan on high speed to the side of the head while getting head...still finished the job, good thing I'm drunk and couldn't feel it.
Watching Rudolph while stoned is practically a religious experience.
I just ate your leftovers whilst watching Garfield and Friends. Thank you across the board.
DUDE FUCK CALL ME SHE HAS GRANDKIDS
My booty call is in the theater watching Deadpool right now. Never though comics would work against me.
Random boy motorboated me, handed me a business card congratulating me on my motorboat, winked and walked out with some other girl
Find him and marry him.
During my first week as an adjunct prof, I played a fiercely fought game of squash with a law student and we wound up having hot, sweaty, angry sex right on the floor of the court. She is either the best or worst thing to happen to my academic career. Will let you know.
I spent half my night explaining that i'm in an open relationship to the guys that I liked, and the other half of the night explaining that I have a boyfriend to the guys that I didn't like.
Guy just rode past on a lowrider bike smoking a blunt, I want his life
Randomize
