if you made me into a cookie and threw me into a betty crocker easy bake oven on christmas morning...that's how baked i am
Bad news. I lost my teeth. Good news. I can still take a guy home sans teeth.
I think I just agreed to be an escort for an Asian guy who's gonna be in the city next weekend before he moves back to Shanghai...
My Pizza Lunchables won't fit in the fridge because of all your alcohol. One of our addictions has to give.
im drunk. people are steering their children away from me. whatever it is that you called for, I assure you that I don't care. have a good night
A man in denim coveralls just shotgunned a beer on the dance floor
what kind of one night stand wants to walk you home in the morning? whole diff kind of walk of shame.
College is a time for personal growth. Meaning it's time to start using those pickup lines on randos at dive bars.
Don't worry I'm alive. The apt is all locked up so I'm sleeping on the patio. The frozen pizza I got might be toast unless someone lets me in soon. If not its all good I'll be here snoring on the patio
No, it wasn't really a sexy 'I'm going to go masturbate.' It was an 'I'm going to go masturbate' that implied I was going to drink a tall boy of Mikes and cry while I looked at lesbian porn.
So....I just took a paddle fan on high speed to the side of the head while getting head...still finished the job, good thing I'm drunk and couldn't feel it.
The good thing about country bars is that the men generally look like men. The bad thing is the country music.
I’ve lost count of how many disciplines of science this conversation about Harry Potter has gone through.
He gave us beer and shots and made us pizza in his brick oven before firing a handgun into the air to signal it was time to give us a ride in his inflatable raft to the bars.
He's like a mythological figure
He gave his liver a pep talk before the vodka chugging started
Randomize
