I hope no one judges me for becoming a facebook fan of "Adderall" at 5:49 AM...
I am in macy's and just straight up heard an old lady taking a crap in her depends.
She ditched her BF in the library to come see me wasted at a house party and i still ended up banging that rugby chick instead.
so my mom thinks I'm picking you up just to go buy you liquor before you go back to school tomorrow...
I'm ashamed that your mom thinks I haven't already taken care of that.
You want to groom your chest hair? You mean with a little baby chest hair brush? Because that sounds adorable.
Aaaaand now he just flexed his muscles at me and said "I'm a fucking eagle!"
I watched you down those shots like a lion cub watching its mother rip apart a gazelle
I showed my cat the amount of coke I had. She looked concerned.
I just put on underwear fresh outta the dryer and it's like tiny Angels are giving them warm supportive hugs all over
Doug the spinning teacher gave me chlyamdia
I'm pretty sure the rest of my evening will consist of masturbating, drinking tequila and watching children's movies.
Everytime I feel sad about the break up; I recall that she is a Bernie supporter and feel all better
How can I prove that I give 401k advice and not handjobs?
their motto was "the first one to get arrested wins" so of course today was interesting
Apparently i disappeared and no one found me until the morning , but i have fifty missed calls
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