i guess i called my mom last night. she wasnt nearly as impressed with what we did in the bathroom as i was
"I could never have "feelings" for someone who, at one point, wanted to "hate fuck" my face."
i just threw up a quarter into the urinal in the bathroom at the bar. everybody else stared then cheered. that drunk
I just saw a girl licking a cheeseburger wrapper. dont ever let me get that fat
Yes, that was me on the jumbo tron. No, i don't know why i was hiding.
Just saw the guy with the plastic bag on his head riding his bike again...
im actually so stoned and hungover i feel like a bag of jello stuffed into a human shape
should I tell them that both of them had sex with me last Saturday? it might be a relationship builder type of thing you know?
Besides. I don't even really like sex because it feels great. I like it because for thirty minutes I own that guys ass.
Of course I'm using oj as a mixer, its flu season.
Just sold our expired ticket for a free night of bowling to a drunk guy downtown for 50 bucks. Ill buy beer on my way home
My inner 10 year old alcoholic is intrigued.
I'm drunk but I just ate 2 heads of broccoli so does that mean it evens out?
Yes absolutlely
Andddddd I'm drunk
Andddddd it's Tuesday
That's your opinion.
Can I borrow your pants?
WTH?
Just come to the men’s room and help me. The blonde bartender figured out I’m married. Rachel will definitely notice if come home pantsless
Randomize
