I have the sudden urge to buy a Snuggie and wear it to the grocery store.
i was sitting in the back seat of her car with her boyfriend while she was driving. it was pretty awkward, but i dont think "so my dick's been in your girl's mouth too" was a good ice breaker
He showed up to fuck me at the same time the pizza guy did. It was like everything I needed just showed up at my stoop.
i walked in and you were spoon feeding your sister grape juice out of a tupperware.
Ya. I was the definition of a shit show. I woke up outside my door when my alarm went off
Last night, I accomplished the impossible. I pissed while riding my bicycle home without pissing all over myself. My Dutch friends gave me a round of applause and said I was now the king of holland.
Just realized how sopa could affect my ability to watch porn, son of a bitch
Why am I always the sober one?
Cause you're the only one with any sort of self control. It's kinda your super power...
Night just started and I've already seen a woman headbutt a brick wall. Unintentionally. Epic to say the least
I have a kicked-out-of-multiple-bars level hangover today
I'm starting to question if I'm gonna need to bring a raincoat just to drink around u
U act like I can cum on command
I may or may not have definitely said the words "how do I put this beer in my purse without looking like an alcoholic" last night.
You're at a grade school volley ball game with a yeti of tequila. You've passed extra
the cop said "drunk and disorderly" like it was a bad thing
They left me at home... I'm a liability
Randomize
