I just threw up on my dentist
Just woke up in bed, AC on high, with a fresh pack of smokes, an unopened pint of vodka, and a bag w a beef patty w cheese in it. I think my roommate's like the toothfairy or something. Or that was way more Xanax than I needed.
Sitting next to a retarded hot married man on the plane, I got 6.5 hrs to homewreck this shit.
I'm not an expert but calling her the "hot lesbian" isn't going to coerce her into a 3some with you
Put you drinking hat aside for Tuesday. My buddy is bartending!
I just puked in my drinking hat.
So as your former husband, I get to give you away at the wedding right?
if I die on the way please explain to my mother that I do not wear fishnets on a regular basis
I woke up this morning at 8 to my roommates still drunk, hanging out on the roof, and screaming at bikers. They couldn't figure out why they were into it.
alright. I just need to set some ground rules, no lighting me on fire, and no broken bones. fair?
No. No. No. No one's allowed to fuck in the yurt.
Are we on the same shift tomorrow and more importantly do you want your pants back?
Had a burrito last night in your honor
That's the nicest thing you've ever done
He drives a tundra! Of course I fucked him. Im just saying eventually im going to need help moving and he has a nice truck. Its like thank you for later on
2017 is gonna be explosive... Already watching fireworks out the window while shit my brains out. Happy Ew Year
I feel like I don't even know what's gonna happen when we first see each other. It'll be like explosions and glitter and a unicorn will run by pulling a sleigh of alcohol and sex.
Randomize