Hold on, I'm google imaging "vagina close ups" to see if mine match up
Mat is currently running around his basement "trying to catch oxygen in his mouth."
lets make a pact to never make a pregnancy pact
I wish there was a lawn mower version of Roomba so I could just drink and cheer it on from the stoop.
so i finally decided to ask her out. she started mumbling, then she puked on me. i think i'll try again when she's sober
If that really is brett favre's penis, no wonder she ignored his calls
The office pool is up to $500 if you take a shit in Frank's desk drawer. Time to change the unpaid internship into a cash cow.
Yeah but I was the kid who ran over your BMW and is banging your 15 year old daughter... There isn't a cool enough dad in the world to make that work.
STOP LICKING HIS MUSTACHE
I'm sooo hungover. I fell asleep on top of a car in a parking lot last night. New one to add to the list.
My gynecologist got a full view of the obviously bite marked shaped bruises on my thighs. I just kept talking about work and hoped she wouldn't judge me.
No like you've drunkenly persistently tried to take your shirt off in the middle of a park filled with children. You had already thrown your bra at my crotch.
I'm at the point in my life where I'm gonna sell my eggs for cash
Not sure if I should ask if I can have my underwear back or just avoid that all together.
In what world does 'I'm awake' at 2:30 in the morning on a wednesday translate to 'let's fuck' in the span of one text? Where has the romance gone?
Randomize
