dude, your ex-bf is on match.com
details on that.
well, his profile doesn't say anything about herpes.
his dick got so hard in his pants and it broke his zipper
i just realized that the oil change sticker on my windshield is a day before the last time i had sex. I've driven exactly 10500 miles since.
you need to get laid.. and an oil change.
How long is it safe to eat only Hot Pockets and Popsicles?
I don't think you have the libido for two women at the same time
I think you underestimate the amount of time spent masturbating
Did you know you could bring s cooler of beer to the nail salon?
We should live in a duplex and just hook up with randoms for the rest of forever and be animal hoarders.
Can we please get through at least one night out when you DON'T threaten to have sex with one of my parents?!?!
They flooded the bathroom and their version of cleaning it up was to throw our couch cushions on it. That's when I decided to chug tequila and go drunk bowling. So hitting the kid with my ball is really their fault.
SERIOUSLY WHY DOES EVERYONE INSIST THAT THEY NEED TO SEE MY BOOBS
Because there's a shortage of perfect breasts in this world. You should start charging for viewings.
You woke up, mumbled something about forgetting to lock the truck at work, slapped my ass, then passed out again...
You knocked on your freshman year room door, told the kids who opened it "I own you", and attempted to force-feed them everclear.
I'm really going to need you to stop yelling Campari.
Learn from my mistakes. DO NOT try to steam a garment of clothing while you are wearing it. The burn is not worth the de-wrinkle.
Really should've known 2020 was gonna suck when the guy dressed as baby new year got arrested at our party 5 past midnight...
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