wait.. the condom broke. ehh whatever i think im already 2 months pregnant
Just tipped at a bar in cheerios. Suck it.
i purposely bought her a small sweater. My way of saying, you've gotten fat.
"fuck a duck" is spelled out in chinese food on my counter... im kind of nervous to search the rest of my house......
Bad idea pregaming graduation.... she just threw up before walking across the stage... i'm gonna miss this
It got a little outta hand when you wanted to do body shots on the table.. at Dennys.. at 4 AM.. with lemonade
You yelled "hold my dick" before you tackled the guy away from the dj and two random girls moved to actually hold it, then argued about it. I want that whore aura!
Clearly my hormones are sending beaming lights to every penis in the area
were facing impending death from north korea and were sitting here snorting tylenol to get high.....where did our lives go wrong?
We're over by the bouncy castles. I'm the one wearing a baby. Bring Twizzlers.
I think it's time for a new pick up line. So far my " hey you want to go back to my place, order a pizza and fuck?" Has set me at an all time low downtown 0/4
That moment when you see yourself in a security camera feed and realize you forgot a bra. And pants.
I left myself a note saying 'buy a hamster but not an orange one like this pen'
omg so drunk
lets start a news segment called WHY IS LEOS CROTCH BURNING TODAY
So uh... Did you mail me business cards that describe my profession as "tortured soul"?
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