my dad just beat the shit out of me cuz i blew my nose on one of my dirty t shirts and he saw it and thought it was cum.
I should take him calling me "a freak of nature" after sex as a compliment, right??
His fridge was full of blocks of pepperjack cheese, and his pantry was stocked with huge jars of jellybeans. Even if I'd been drunk, I don't think I could've made that up.
I was greeting people at my door feeding them jello shots out of an ice cube tray with a spoon.
I need to get my pants from under your porch. People are asking questions.
I mean, I thought you would respect me for turning your life around for the better. It seems just yesterday that I found you in a ditch with a cock in your mouth.
Also the McRib is back. Lets get high, dress like cowboys, and eat some McRibs.
My eczema on my back is flaring up so he rubbed coconut oil on it while we were boning down. If that's not a picture of 8 years married I dunno what is.
How does one acquire holy water?
I woke up in a bush somewhere in Tucson with a full suit on. Great way to end my birthday.
Well I'm trying out this whole "not sleep with a stranger thing"
That's silly... just silly. And by silly I mean unrealistic.
What happened last night?
Lets just say you asked me a couple times if you had eyeballs..
Straight boys are literally imbeciles. If Darwinism doesn’t get them female rage will.
Setting myself up for trouble? Yes. But getting laid is a lot more important at this time.
They tried to get you to drink water and all you kept shouting was, "NO MORE LIQUIDS OF *ANY* KIND."
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