WOAH SHIT! That wasn't my girlfriend last night.
Just saw a man being put through a dui test on the side of the road... it was noon and he was on a bicycle. God bless texas.
My roommate found me crawling down the hallway as she was on her way to her morning class. Its time for a new semester.
Whatever. I'll let someone else deal with his flacid penis.
Just got blown whilst getting my high score on bejeweled blitz. There's still a month and a half left of summer and my bucket list is empty...
A baby just go on our party bus. What. The. Fuck.
On the oral sex Super Bowl board I drew 7 and 1. If I get lucky, someone will be swallowing during Madonna's half time. I'm sure she'd approve.
She is the absolute last thing I would want to screw. Honestly. Fellating a porcupine. Higher on the list.
I. Did. In fact. Sprain. My liver. This. Weekend.
THERE IS AN ENORMOUS FAT WOMAN EYEING MY FLIGHT'S GATE LIKE IT WOULD BE DELICIOUS TO EAT.
I have vodka and explosives. For once, we can blow something up that isn't a blow-up doll.
I'm sure you're still partially crippled from thar blow job on Saturday, so I understand it's probably difficult to text.
We kinda got asked to leave the strip club and on the way out, you fell again. When you finally got up we got a standing ovation from the girls behind the bar and you took a bow. It was awesome.
some kid just came up 2 me bleeding yelling "thats how u riot"
At one point I believe I was despencing medical advice while wearing a sombrero and a hulk hand
Randomize
