he was in the bathroom singing "will it floooaaat?? will it floooaaat?!" turns out that's a deal breaker for me.
insurance, jail, and birth control were made for people like us.
do you know what's more awkward than a positive pregnancy in a public bathroom?
not a thing
walking in on a stranger's positive pregnancy test in a public bathroom
My professors need to stop cancelling class. Bad things happen when I have too much free time on my hands. Bad things.
Not complaining, but why is there a Russian chick downstairs making latkes?
I hope you realize, I'm counting on you as my wingman next semester. It's your turn to advertise another man's penis. I did my tour all freshman year.
It's okay, I found my phone in the toaster oven. Logical explanation: 5 martinis
My Yoga instructor is playing the music from 'Requiem for a Dream' it makes me very reluctant to put my ass in the air
trying to figure out why the only thing in our freezer is an expired loaf of bread, a white t shirt, and a receipt from taco bell for 37.50 from last Friday
not totally sure where im at but i think i've definitely woken up on this couch before. bong on the coffee table looks familiar. should be able to find my way home
A BJ like that needs to be recommended.
Sometimes the gods of alcohol choose to take you on a mysterious journey and you just have to go with it
It's probably not healthy how legit bummed I am that my bottled of wine is gone.
He used pronouns for his penis while sexting. I don't know what I did to deserve this.
I hit an all time low we ran out of coke and I met up with my dealer at 8 in the morning for a re-up. great customer service though.
Randomize
