1 of the best things of being a business owner is I don't get fired for having sex in the office
I just fired a shotgun out of the back of a truck going 60. i am going to miss oregon.
you tried to scramble eggs in my dryer last night. i want you here in 15 minutes to clean this shit up
he likes ron paul.... that's all i'm going to say....
Amanda Bynes on the cover of maxim is my 8th grade masturbation fantasy come to life
Dude idk, apparently telling two drunk chicks 'that's whats up' after watching them lick eachother's face wasn't the compliment they were looking for. I mean I was fucking hammered.
Wow.
I really hope that wasn't actually his first time. Because if my first time was anything like that I would NEVER have sex again.
totally worth getting kicked out for trying to throw my drink on lindsay lohans ankle bracelet.
I consider it a good night. I met Jimmy Buffet, who grabbed my ass, and I body-checked a toddler. She had it coming.
And some old guy told me Jesus loves me and I laughed super hard and told him sinning is fun. Hahaha
I'm not sorry for loving America more than everyone else
Timehop reminded me that 4 years ago today I helped a one armed man do the YMCA by being his other arm.
well whats the tarot card for I'm totes going to be schlobbing his cob? because that's in his future.
what happened last night?!
you took a shot and then laid down on our kitchen table and passed out.. then when we tried to move you to the couch you screamed "no! i love tables"
I swear I'm going to walk in one day with you in a ballgag just masturbating feverishly
Well i can't stand the sound of my own crying
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