Even My mom was ashamed of me bringing her home, she pulled me aside, and told me i can do better than, "butter faces"
On the quad today: An amish choir singing something weird, and not 30 feet away 3 girls tanning topless. Definition of diversity.
We left the house and she said "let's go dick hunting" theres no way last night was gonna end up well
How do you set tits on fire ? I swear her tits were on fire.
Fun fact of the day: Our cat does not like rum.
Thanks for bailing me out last night guys. it's bullshit that everbeering people at bars is illegal. bitches have no sense of adventure anymore
You'll have to pretend I'm texting you with buddychecks.
Like the Jimeny Cricket of cockblocks.
I called him and he said hell call me back hes in the middle of his kareokee song he was out by himself and his dog
Well, I made it thru a doorway, so I think things are going good.
blew off easter dinner with the fam to go play shot roulette. woke up in nothing but my boxers in the back of a random pickup truck.
Well according to all the calls, texts, and Facebook messages, I threw up on you guys last night.
In other news, I just threw up my burrito and am currently on all fours literally crawling back to my bed
Im so sorry for peeing on your chest.
Gov of Georgia is going to allow massage therapists to return to work.
Gives a new meaning to 'Happy Endings'.
as a lesbian i'd like to thank joe biden and also america for giving us this absolute MILF for a VP
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