So I went into my gym pretty wasted and asked the trainer guy if i could order a cock meat sandwich. Needless to say, I'm canceling my membership tomorrow.
Just wrote a paper about alcohol abuse that sounded like my weekend...
So, you didn't have time to come pick me up but you did have time to get plastered and then write "champagne money" on every one of my statuses for the past month?
Just TALKING to him is better than banging my bf, imagine what actual banging will be like.
We are the drunkest people in Toys R' Us right now
I have a gash on my leg an a lobster leg in my purse.
Their was just 7 people standing outside eating a costco chicken, definitley at the right party
Remember when I referred to my box of wine as my briefcase and made all of those stupid jokes about working overtime? Thanks for ignoring my cry for help.
Sober now. I'm really glad I didn't try to make out with that guy who has a pregnant fiance
We decided to make playlists for each other. Do you know any songs that say "sorry I'm not as hot as your prostitute ex?"
I feel like every time I get the courage to masturbate to a guy from Game of Thrones, they kill him off.
It wasnt until i started dancing that i realized i pissed myself dude. I dont think shes gonna call me back.
and then I drunkenly screamed, "you can ride that Uber all the way to revenge city!"
which was funny until I realized I paid for my enemy's cab to go fuck my ex
Some guy at the bar last night bought us Arrowhead water and I was so drunk, it tasted good
You left me a note that said "The Earth is blowing up. Bring the Rosé." WTF.
Randomize
