can't come. weird drunk guy passed out on couch. long story, tell u later.
wtf. wake him up, call him a cab, get over here!
i just want to make sure he doesn't die. or rob me. plus it's facinating, he's faceplant on the arm of my sofa.
He looks like a mix between a retired piano teacher and a cat that just swallowed a sock.
I don't know if it's her mysterious past or atrocious grammar, but I think I'm in love.
Just found out the guy that gave me herpes died. now everytime I get a flare up, it'll be like he's coming back to say hello
After I saw you grinding on that guy with your shirt completely unbuttoned, I figured it was time for pizza.
Get over here. It's an emergency. Just realized I haven't hd my mouth on a penis in two weeks. Get over here.
HOLY SHIT HE'S TRYING TO EAT HIS FOOT. THIS IS THE BEST DAY OF MY LIFE.
Hey. I thought you were saving your 80s playlist til marriage.
Yesterdays boozy weather forecast has been extended to today
Also I had a dream we made my birth control into a joint. What does that mean?
He challenged me to a drink off, I couldn't just say no. It was a matter of pride really.
And as he was cursing your name from the bathroom you were ordering yourself another drink on his tab. The poor bastard had no clue you were a pro drunk
Before I go in, is 'I just got a root canal 2 hours ago' a good excuse to show up drunk to yoga class with a 6 pack? Because if not I think I need to go home.
A 5 day bender that ended with refusing to pay my bar tab before I left the city. I offered to send them a selfie so they knew to never let me back in.
im shaving my vagina and listening to frank sinatra, im coming over after
I miss your drunken presence, and strong odor of hard liquor and potent weed.
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