apparently farting at a cop is considered assault.
A 20 minute car ride back to your car with the girl u had drunk anal with is the most uncomfortable thing ever.
can you call in chlamydia to work? like if the antibiotics they gave you for it are giving you the shits...
when i'm drunk i think im just gonna point at him and yell adultery is a sinnnn. youre going to helllll
it is entirely possible that the police will be knocking on the door in 25 minutes
ALSO, I NEED TO BORROW A CAT. ASAP
Don't send the creepy guy a picture of your penis. That's my Christmas wish
Officially drug you out of White Castle last night by the hood on your sweatshirt after you cussed out the attendant and stole the satisfaction guaranteed sign because they were closed!
And then we felt it necessary to continue drinking for another 4 hours, yikes
Wait. You NEVER used a Dizzy Doodler pen as a vibrator?!?
Operation terrify all men while simultaneously make them fall in love with me is going quite swimmingly so far
Drunk me really does appreciate that sober me made a list of movies to watch when drunk it saves so much time
When I go to hand him the blunt and he's eating a cookie and responds with "let me hit this cookie"
Dude you came into the room last night soak and wet and told me you just took a shit in the shower
is it bad that im laying on a beach towel in my room with my lights on high pretending to be tanning on the beach in the summer?
that may or may not have been my penis.
Randomize
