Tampa is so boring. I'm dying. I want lots of cleavage at my funeral. If i cant get laid, i want my friends to. I'm that kind of person
A small cock is a small cock, don't blame the size of my hands
I lost my virginity in that bed. You just layed in history.
I just took a bite of a bagel at school and it tasted like weed. If I am high for my test in 2 hours I'm gonna kick someones ass
I got kicked out of an open bar wedding reception. The bride "felt threatened" by my presence. Not my fault she's ugly
Well I'm drunk and covered in baby oil so tonights not ideal
She stopped laughing and kind of stared at the wall for a while. Then she did 3 somersaults and said she saw jesus. This weed is fucking fantastic.
I have never appreciated strippers so much. Ma'am, you are an artist
I woke up in someone's flat in Budapest and then got offered a free piercing before I left. Best. Hookup. Ever.
I feel like I should acknowledge that I see you as a human and not a ragdoll sex object
Your life has no conflict it's just a blur of sex and Netflix
Nothing like putting a Percocet up your nose because you spent your night drinking heavily and can't drink water to make you heavily reconsider your life choices
Walking actually physically hurts. We should do it again some time.
But being sober is boring. Everything takes so long, I feel like I'm just waiting in line to die.
You’re going to be a doctor, and I’m going to be a trophy wife. We both have goals
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