Kenny Powers is just a normal guy with exceptional hair
I can't believe you let me try to pierce your nipple with a dart last night
Do you realize that Last night you pissed in my closet and then walked to the bathroom to wash your hands?
She knew it was going down when I had her search for "condoms" in my iPhone Maps.
We fish bowled my car and anna told us a story about time travel and part of it had people melted into the side of a boat and i imagined them being melted into my car moaning in pain and then we got scared and thought zombies were outside and couldn't leave for a while.
my sister just canceled her nose job because she thought it would hurt too much
It'll hurt less than being alone
i feel like my life is a cheap remake of American Pie
My gynecologist inadvertently complimented your penis.
I'm like the Mother Theresa of booty calls.
In other news, someone I've had sex with won jeopardy last night.
Pavlovs bj experiment 2012. Welcome to the program.
The cop let me finish my J before he cuffed me. Coolest arresting officer ever.
I hit a child with a fudge sickle from a moving vehicle after he flipped me off, I feel like a God. Tell no one. My partner didn't see it.
Tell me I'm the only person you know who could punch someone at the bar, get escorted out, smoke a cig with the cop who almost arrested me AND get the security guy who escorted me out to buy me drinks.
I'm not kidding, he literally jumped in the red panda exhibit. I knew this was gonna be a good birthday.
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