apparently i ate an entire bag of goldfish, kissed some guy with a girlfriend who now wants to kill me, made my sister sleep in my bed with me while i wore no pants, and told my whole family i am pregnant with jonny's devil baby...never drinking again
And then a tiny penis fell out of my purse
Well, I guess that settles the question of how thick the walls are in my building.
I've never had a woman show me her venereal disease results in a bar before.
You were passed out on the chair and when I asked you if you were okay you looked up and said "I'm fine, I was just pretending for a picture" then passed out again.
How creepy of a mustache can you grow by wednesday night?
ex-cheerleader. ex-gymnast. ex-dancer. i dont even know who to go for tonight
I can't even look at my running shoes. I swear I drank more in the last 2 days than the last 6 months combined
i think the theme of this summer is "shitting in weird locations."
I can't even masturbate anymore!! That was my last source of cardio!!
God I miss you. I want to fuck your face... Then do all the girly cuddly shit too.
He was basically a horny puppy - following me around all night and kept sticking his hand down my pants.
Why do I feel so obligated to masterbate just because I’m single and it’s valentines Day...
Got lost on the way to my dealer again. He stayed on the phone with me untill i found him and then hooked it up because I got lost.. What a genuine person.
How do I stop your cat from bathing me? I'm afraid she'll get drunk off my sweat
Randomize
