Sorry I totally forgot to text you back. When you texted me I was at work at the pharmacy and it was stupid busy. And then of course I had my 8 hour "shoot me b/c half of Loyola comes in to buy plan B" shift.
my dad just walked in on my jacking off and all he had to say was "I thought you were bigger than that".... thanks dad.
white shorts are a girls way of saying "im ready to fuck cuz its not my time of month"
You always know it is going to end badly when a guy asks if he met you at a "coed naked lawn bowling party"
Any idea who the guy in my bed tagged as rattlesnake dick might be?
So help me Jesus we're never drinking together again. But weekends don't count. Amen.
Hey do you want me to wrap up that Jack in the Box you left in my gutter
I dont think that yelling at the medic "Christmas is gone, fuck off santa" was the best idea when you couldnt feel your legs.
I vaguely remember Matt shouting something about "GET ON MY LEVEL!" at the bartender before he attempted to order a case of tequila from him.
Tell me when you get here. I'm drinking beer in the bushes next to your house, and I put my hoodie up because I was cold. Pretty sure everyone lowkey thinks i'm homeless.
I was so high. I had so much hair. It was like all my hair follicles exploded.
Having to crawl on my hands and knees because I woke up with a mysterious broken foot this morning...
You're not gonna like every guy whose dick I put in my mouth
I walked into your room and you were wearing party beads, a foam finger, and reading the dictionary. Good night?
my near death experience doubled as my sexual awakening
Randomize
