So for his birthday I'm planning on doing what stripper did when she put the matches on her nipples..lights them n makes him blow them out..SEE I AM dating material.
somehow I got talked into dressing up like a hot dog, spinning around ten times, and shooting lay ups in front of thousands of students
you kept say ridiculous things then repeating them in perfect classical latin. You are onee intelligent drunk
Life's too short to consider the larger psychological underpinnings of my lust.
Had dinner with my ex husband. The box of wine is gone and I'm laying on the floor in my wedding dress. Where are you?!
She keeps sending, "show me your elephant trunk."
You wouldn't be the first friend to shit himself in the last 7 days
Penises. Everywhere.
You're. Welcome.
If I give you a key to my place you have to promise to one day wake me up with a blowjob.
And by one day I mean once every two weeks.
I have 39 hot sauces from Chipotle
It's like earning obesity badges
Rain drop, shock top, drinking can't stop stop
He fucked me for my Netflix login, I fucked him for his HBO login, and actually I think that's beautiful
Help I accidentally unlocked this guy's tragic backstory and I need a rewind button!
Double-fisting ice cream and wine. Do not send help.
They made the paper for stealing gnomes. I fucked a local celebrity.
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