if i can run in heels then i can drive
After I talked about my ex for about twenty minutes, she just listened, sluts are so understanding
I just told this girl who bought a pregnancy test "good luck"
just wanted to thank u for shitting in my dads bidet last night. i had to manually scoop ur shit out of it. btw ur dumped.
Who spends 33 dollars at Taco Bell and lives???
I almost got away with it until she smelled beer on the stroller.
I had to explain to the waiter that I'm not the DD because I can't drive, but as the Designated 'Make Sure No One Gets Roofied Or Hit By A Car On The Walk Home'-er, I should still get the free drinks.
Dear god how many nuts did u bust in me my vagina feels like a bowl of jello.
I am on top of a rooftop peeing on your freedom
This lady gave me four cups to go along with my gallon of daiquiri. Silly girl, all I need is a straw.
Like, I can't stand that bitch, but i genuinely hope she gets the help she needs
I'm tripping pretty hard right now but every time a Volvo drives by I feel like everything is gonna be alright
I’m sorry, some of us common-folk don’t have access to steady dick
Last night I ate a candle out of a strippers ass.... I guess it was an okay night.
I just thought I should tell you that I always know what you are doing. Everywhere. Every time. -Your loving Mother
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