How come twittering sounds sexual?
Because of Bambi.
a stripper queefed in my friends mouth last night and it reminded me of you. miss you
bikini waxes are so much more painful when you know you're not getting laid
I think it's safe to say me, swords and vodka can never be aloud in the same room again.
Apprently after I bit that bouncer, it all went down hill.
I can dream in two languages, but it's still about ripping a bong.
I had a dream about a vibrator with 42 different settings. If that's not a good indication I need to get laid, I don't know what is
She's like the Oprah of therapy. AND YOU GET A STRAITJACKET. AND YOU GET A STRAITJACKET. WITH A PADDED ROOOOM
The cat just walked up and made eye contact with me while I had sex. I'm going to have to burn the house down with him in it.
He gave me the choice between a threeway with his best friend or a tiny turtle. Unfortunately I chose the threeway.
I just gave him road head. He came in the Taco Bell drive thru which seems pretty typical for my life.
I just made my mom buy me lube. I've reached a new level of broke.
Sexy intern needs to have caveman sex with me
It's not even 8pm on a Friday and I've already got a guy to tell me how big his penis is. Watched anything good on Netflix lately?
He put your tit in his mouth. Professionalism is out the window after that.
okay valid
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