I am wasted and people are fist pumping. This should not happen on the west coast.
I'm not giving my ex her earrings back. If some chick i hated gave me brownies i would still eat them. It's the same thing.
Birthday was great, I got entirely too drunk and made really poor life decisions. It was everything a birthday should be.
she used her one phone call to ask me about my day
Alright. I will breast feed the first person to get here.
No, she isn't nearly as crazy as the girl who wanted to wear a vial of my semen as a necklace.
Then I hope you find a set of extremely intelligent, flexible triplets in the ethnicity of your choice.
That is the nicest thing anyone has ever wished for me
I got home and laid by the toilet and then alexa laid in the bathtub and sang the preamble while kayla held my hair
I got us chalkboard mugs. Now whoever comes home with us can feel comfortable in the morning! I am too considerate to my one-night stands...
I pretty much landed into this relationship penis first
I just made out with Ricky Ullman of Phil of the Future fame and I don't know what I'm doing anymore. Help.
A group of drunk Marines just serenaded me, never leaving this place
Do you think dominoes pizza would deliver faster if I told them I just had shower sex and that always makes me hungry?
Sending dick pics while driving a car going 80 in the rain at night to a married woman? Why hello 2014
On a happier note, I can fit in my old shorts. Dope does have its perks
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