Just lit a joint with steel wool and a 9 volt battery... thank you 3rd grade science class
He just went up to bed, still drunk from last night, carrying a pear, a pipe, and an unopened bottle of wine. I think he'll be fine.
I'm currently blowing up the downstairs bathroom at work. I wish I could foursquare this.
That fucking fat Asian kid that NOBODY invited is stuck in the dryer again
In the middle of having sex with me, she reminded me that I was supposed to call my mom that morning. My penis has never retracted so quickly.
It's raining. Will need ride home and blow job.
So did I or did I not flash an entire concert last night?
We will go to karaoke
Okay, well, i'm covered in paint, haven't showered & have already been drinking, so if I fall on the floor in a blaze of depeche mode & beer tears, you can't pretend you don't know me
The only math I use in every day life is figuring out how much I can spend on alcohol and still have money to pay my bills. High school lied to us.
Get over here asap there are three naked girls two bottles of whiskey and only one of me
I'm talking to a corgi on tinder..wtf has my life come to
There we go, I shall begin my attempt to achieve whore status today
Dude, you ever snap awake on the toilet at work with that panicked, "How long have I been here?!" feeling??
ill give you some hints: blood, carnival, fog machine, happy meal.
she referred to her cum as “pussy butter” so needless to say we had a good night
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