..Thats also how I think I got the lyrics from MIAs Paper Planes Sharpeed on my ass? Maybe.
I'm playing wingman, but I want to pull a Goose and die.
I can't wait to get all this Makers out of my shoe.
woke up this morning to find the entire staircase covered in marinara sauce, with my roommate practically sobbing and scrubbing the wall with carpet cleaner.
We had break up sex twice. He said one was cause he had to say goodbye to both tits.
im gonna make a bucket list just so i can cross off "underwater blowjob"
Did the game of beer pong go wrong before or after the cops and fire department showed up?
He slow fucked me. Doggy style. On a porch. You never slow fuck doggy style. Its a law. A LAW.
You are going to be so proud of me, I'm wearing underwear AND tights. That's two layers more than usual between my vagina and the world.
I don't know what I would do if cheese never existed
Someone's stooooned
Tell me why I woke up outside of our hotel room Wearing a cowboy hat and boots in Las Vegas.
Oh god it's open bar.
Block me from your phone tonight…I need to get laid tonight. But you've been being a douchebag. So not by you. But I might call you. So block me.
WHY WOULD I COCK BLOCK MYSELF???
Ooooh no. Jesus take the wheel, or Moses. SOMEBODY TAKE THE WHEEL
I mean, he’s listed as “Andrew DC Threesome” in my phone. THATS HOW I REMEMBER HIM! How is that not the start of a fairytale?
Randomize
