I love being friends with rich people. I get laid by association.
if my spotter knew I was listening to the Wicked soundtrack on my iPod, I wouldn't even be mad if he dropped the barbell on my throat
turn left when you see the girl thats puking on the sidewalk. she hasnt been moving much so she makes a good street marker
Just kicked a guy in his penis in order to win a dance contest on Bourbon....desperate.
I really need to get laid. I'm telling at least 10 girls that I love them tonight.
Odds are at least 1 out of those 10 girls will be as crazy as you and will be into it.
She offered to massage my back by hitting it with a sparkly purple double dildo... Bi chicks can get creepy
I drank half a bottle of wine while watching the Olympics opening ceremonies. I catcalled at handsome athletes. Stop me.
How was the party? Lets put it this way: "He wants her dick" was a factual sentence stated last night.
Btw, do you want me to fix this with a box of wine and a chick flick or is this more of a 'lets head to the strip club' problem? I'm just trying to analyze the emotional depth of the situation.
My roommate was being an ass so I put everyone's drinks/shots on his tab for the entire night. Then when we left he was telling me how he got out cheaper than last time.
I think i was just meant to be a stripper. A ballerina stripper cat
I'm in too deep with Breaking Bad. I realized I've altered my Tinder likes to people that either look like Jesse or work in a school's Science department.
I tried to smoke out of half a banana, and lit my nose hair on fire. So I feel like that sums up my life pretty well.
Never let me go online shopping while drunk. I now own 2 baby cribs. I have no children
I can't believe my vagina just got wished happy new year
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