I was the only open register tonight and I just sold condoms and chocolate frosting to the ex..
I have way too much money in my bra to be responsible.
I woke up to three texts telling me to "go fuck myself," a panicked voicemail from my mom, and a girl thanking me... I'm not sure which I should take care of first
i'm so sad bro, I can't get any pussy. I'm so sad
He just compared himself to a majestic butterfly in regards to the lack of girlfriends. i don't even know what to say.
She definitely pulled a diaper out of her purse and cleaned up the vodka with it, where do you meet these people?!
Slipping me an edible before my ochem final was not your brightest idea. Looks like I'm switching to business.
it's not like i was drunk to the point of NEEDING help...i just wanted someone to offer to hold my hair or something.
Haga you didnt jbsii whee wu an therer
Party on wayne
Sincerely would love to tap that, on a mountain with the wind blowing on your pubes .
Just got hit on by a 50 year old Englishman who is now swapping drunken racing stories with my mom. Live Mariachi band in the background. How's that for a wake?
So, my ex just showed me the drunk voicemail we left him last night. Started out with me saying "I think it's Shane." Then you took my phone and started singing a song about peanut butter, train tracks, and tequila. I joined in. On the upside, he said he's totally fine with being on the drunk dial list from now on. Soooo, another tequila night??
Dude, he paid us overtime to smoke weed out of a bong at his house
Someone messaged me on POF and wished me a Happy International Women's Day. Why do I even bother anymore?
I'm just going to take a nap and hope I wake up more attractive.
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