McDonalds has hash browns for only a quarter!....how many u want?
All of them
Somewhere out there, someone is getting laid. And then theres me, watching Star Trek porn while my roommate plays World of Warcraft next door
there is way too much butter on my body for this to be okay
it's all just a bunch of faces and i remember what the floor looked like.
Woke up and there was a kayak in the pool. Are you alive?
He had to carry me to the car. But then sat with me and waited for me to sober up enough to have sex. He's a keeper.
Apparently campus cops frown on lighting a joint off of the eternal flame on Jerry Falwell's grave...
If your wondering why there is a puddle on the floor is I may have decided to make a kiddie pool in your living room.
Lest we forget our veterans. Also that two years ago I lost my virginity on this day in a hot tub. Go me for being the worst person on earth.
And then you told me I had large hands and looked like a girl who would have an illegitimate child that I never talked about
So, last night I fell asleep sitting Indian-style on the floor, propped up against the front of the couch with an empty wine bottle in between my legs... How was your night?
We walked in and someone handed her an unopened bottle of jack with her name on it. She's like a drunken celebrity.
I am having the most awesome nonsexual conversation about my vagina right now
My new years resolution is going to be to stop drunk snapchatting old hook ups asking them when we're going to bang again
I woke up this morning to find myself laying in a beer puddle with "I'm sorry" written on the shaft of my dick and Nicole was nowhere to be found. Gotta love her
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