____ banged a stripper...well technically she's now a hooker...
I have funfetti in my underwear...will you come get me?
i just got arrested. apparently dont move means dont move.
Why would you say my penis is small in front of so many people?
I always give him head in random places, it's a guessing game for his cock.
you're going to have to hot glue me into my dress tonight. there's no way out.
I need to stop smoking. I just talked to corn.
Halfway through he got an idea for a short story so he wrote it in magic marker on my boobs. Yeah, he's a keeper.
I send him pictures of my tits whenever I feel like he's paying too much attention to his girlfriend.
you literally stared at me for three minutes and then said "hey this tequila isn't gonna drink itself, boss"
Fyi, shaking your genitals at me doesn't count as "trying to have sex".
Is this like a preordered booty call?
going on fb and having 11 notifications all from you is absolutely horrifying
He was licking my ear while recommending that I shop at IKEA. I think he's my perfect guy.
Beard. Chest hair. Job.
The holy trinity.
Randomize
