Question: If I woke up with one eyebrow mysteriously missing, do I shave the other one to match?
just bought a coffee grinder that advertiesed spacious grinding chamber...new nickname for my bedroom?
You passed out across the stairs with your feet and arms through the railings so you "wouldn't fall down when you blacked out and no one could get the pizza past you without waking you up". \n\nYou're the smartest drunk I know.
I think throwing up in my her purse is probably why we broke up
not the best booty call
did she squirt?
only if tears count
the thing I didn't realize I would miss about college is that at home you can't just dismiss your sex bruises as drunk accidents
i'm almost positive she was a dude but like it doesn't even matter
re read what you just said
the reason i can drink whatever i want and you have a limit is because whiskey will never make my pussy not work
Not sure if creeper guy is too drunk to talk or I'm too high to listen.
I used his number to look up his customer information at work. He's no longer saved as Magic Penis in my phone.
Eating chips and sending nudes. This is my life.
I think putting on real pants was half my issue with today
We put you in the box and you started to cry, that's how high you were.
You know why I love being a regular at this bar? It's because at a certain point last call is only a suggestion.
Played Gay Bar on the jukebox and pissed off the Republicans here. Best day before birthday ever.
Randomize
