i was so high that i was eating crumbs of my bed only to realize they were fuzz thingies. fml.
The Firefighter Games are going to be in Tampa the same weekend I am. I think God is answering my vagina's prayers.
You do realize that we got a stripper to do the YMCA for us on the main stage... Right?
Lmao the neighbor heard yall last night She wanted me to tell you way to finish strong
Some random walked into our tent, woke her up and said "Harry Potter must not go back to Hogwarts!"
I want him to rummage through my vagina. with unwashed hands.
Just got a blowjob from a coed in exchange for saving her an iPhone 5 when I get them in stock. Sometimes it's awesome to be a Verizon employee.
Is everyone touching their nose at me a sign that I should stop snorting vicodin off my phone in the bathroom at school?
you walked in on him eating me out and screamed SHE'LL BREAK YOUR HEART BRO before body slamming on the ground and passing out on the floor
I remember you fighting a small man for the last of the pizza. Was there a midget in my house last night?
It feels like I was drinking gasoline last night.
I went to work hungover and threw up in the break room. Told them I was pregnant and then said I quit. I don't have a job now, thanks vodka.
I woke up at 3:30 this morning to pee. Luckily, I didn't have to travel far as I was asleep in my CLOSET on my yoga mat. Good news is I had a pillow...
Remember when we used to smoke out of an apple at the playground? Those were some precious moments
I had sex in the tube at that same playground once. That park is full of memories.
Ah you cut my boxers off with scissors, we're way past introductions
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