My mom just told me that the key to a successful marriage is never seeing your partner take a shit.
Kristen just told everyone at the bar that I've got a huge dick, now Brittany is giving me the eye. What is the opposite of FML?
I meant the "stage" gay, Not the "bend me over and call me Gary" gay.
I made out with a deaf person. Also I've been drunk 11 days in a row now.
The trick is to not slur when purchasing the condoms at 3am
The last memory I have is vomiting into a box and her rubbing my back saying "you are such a trooper..."
At one point, you closed your eyes and asked me which 'six flags' we were at
sex in a tree stand. check.
you lucky bastard
You were discovered in a bush, smoking, and singing "in the jungle" to yourself. Which explains the scratches, but not the orange paint.
ok NEVER tell the strippers its your birthday. i think i have to burn these clothes and take a bath in bleach
I am having telepathic thoughts with my cat. He loves me and wants me to blow his nose
I thought my neighbors locked me out of the building. Then I remembered I was drunk. PUSH AND TURN.
I'm so glad I can be everyone's guide to the world of fucked up kinks
I'm trying to fuck him and feed him. I don't understand why it isn't working.
It’s the biggest dick I’ve ever seen. His IQ drops 25 points when he’s hard because there’s no blood going to his brain
Randomize
