On friday while at the hotel bar by myself (creepy) I made friends w/ a millionaire who said he may be running for the position of mayor in richmond va (likely a lie). At one point during our discourse he asked if I was crazy. In the effort of full disclosure I looked him in the eye and said yes
I don't know what prompted his inquiry, clearly this man had impeccable intuition
In the car with my brother. His CD went from 2pac to Taylor Swift. I'm concerned. It wasn't a mistake, he knows all the words.
Last night I went to an anything but cups party. I took a hummingbird feeder. It was a terrible decision.
The dog just did a longer kegstand than anyone at the party
I'm at verizon, the guy asked me why my phone is full of seeds. Deff. Not leaving my phone with you anymore.
Is there a word for someone who only has sex with NFL prospects?
Important info for allergy season. An orgasm will unblock stuffy sinuses.
My ex wife just asked to go over our divorce papers and for sex in the same text
Do you think blood ever gets sick of carrying all these drugs around?
Like, there are so many different things we make it do, and it just wants to settle down and be a one-drug fluid?
Stop reading WebMD high.
It's definitively the wine. Every time I can drink and work I feel like I win at the game of life.
If your nipples ruin my wedding photos I will kill you.
Is there a coat check? I stole 10 vases of flowers along with two bottles of champagne and I'm not sure what to do with them.
Some male strippers are here, I threw pancakes at them. It's ok
So I got cockblocked by our relationship status last night
Literally I woke up the other day and the girl part of me was like “GET CUFFED MOTHERFUCKER” and I went ham on tinder.
Randomize