after giving me morning oral, he left saying "hate to eat and run but..." oh yeah, he's getting a second date.
Just got my cast off. My occupational therapist wants me to self-gratify. My clit is about to have an awesome weekend...
plan d- we get drunk, go see that Justin Bieber movie and freak out 13 year old girls.
i wanna meet her so much more now that I know she got toed in a hottub.
ATTENTION ALL CONTESTANTS OF SLUTFEST 2012 ; not only will we be judging on how many penis you have sucked but also girth and length will be calculated. If you are found lying you will be disqualified. Remember your fellow participants will be rendering the same services to probably the same people. So choose wisely and let the games begin!
We have an unspoken agreement. He helps me move and I give him a blow job. It's really unfair to him considering he doesn't know how much shit I have.
That sad moment when even your drug dealer lands a summer internship and you don't...
I just want my birth control to stop making me feel like I'm watching baby seals get clubbed to death any time anything even remotely unpleasant happens lol
My life is a video game called get the drunk princess back to her castle, thank you to all that participated
Friends don't let friends put redi whip in their wine
he spent an hour trying to rescue a bug from the sink. turned out to be a sesame seed.
Will you skip merrily into hell with me?
Great, now even dream!me is a drunken borderline mess.
Sitting in my junior high parking lot high on ambien talking to a stranger I met on tinder. What is life?
You made me take you back to Mcdonalds so you could yell at the guy for not giving you enough ketchup packets
I vaguely recall french fries...
You then proceeded to call your mom and tell her you weren't coming home because you were "tripping balls"
Sweet...
Randomize