I just tried to drunkenly fart the beat of Disturbia by Rihanna
Of course he got arrested. He was wearing a toga. Even Tom Hanks couldn't act sober in a toga.
Just so you know.. I just graduated college with your name still written on my chest
If that doesn't scream bromance I dont know what does
Don't get the hula weed. It makes you sleep walk in destructive and confusing ways. I'll explain on Saturday.
also, I just found three random bruises on my knee. probably from when I was velcrod to the stairs
JAMES WASHOMGTON STATE ATTACKED US
WE'RE FYCKED UL HARDCORW
THE REISLING ATRACEX US
Standards? I'm sitting on his couch eating microwaved ramen wearing his wife's t-shirt. I don't remember what having standards even feels like.
I was only out of town for 1 week. His cell records show he texted 63 ex-gfs and hookups while I was gone. And 10 condoms are missing.
For only eating leftover pizza for breakfast today, you sure do have a lot to vomit up...
I think my Halloween costume this year will be made entirely of pillows and I'll be Marshmellow girl or Kirby. That way I'm comfortable, warm, and if I fall over drunk I'm safe.
I got kicked out of the bar for suggesting that the bartender drop her tits into my Redbull instead of the usual liquor
you were feeling the wall and when we asked you why, you just said "because I want to know who lived here before"
I flashed my cleaning lady and don't remember who I went on a date with. I know who I woke up with though, that counts right?
I don't think it's a coincidence that the day I just happen to do the splits at the gym I come back with 7 guys' phone numbers.
i’m blowing bubbles in my bloody mary so yeah it’s pretty much time to go
Randomize
