yo I wanna see you, bring that beard of yours
i hate having sex with him only a few drinks in. i like it better when i cant remember the gory details.
I may have told her we're dating for a handjob, Fake tits are overrated.
I just farted so loud that my cat got so scared he fell off the couch.
Im going to bring a boy home tonight, and not tell him that I have my period. So when he tries to fuck me, I say no, and look really classy. Then he thinks I'm marriage material. So I give him head.
dude you made out with his girlfriend and stole his credit card to buy more drinks
well when you put it that way, I sound like a terrible person
they bought blue cups instead of red...wtf how am i supposed to pretend im on laguna beach??
I wore sweatpants. When I show up to a booty call in sweatpants there's your warning
A girl at the bar is wearing green body paint instead of a shirt. Where are you?!
Guy hitting on me at bar is guy who's Craigslist ad we laughed at the other night. Not even kidding.
Tell her this is the Disneyland of penises.It's a magical place everyone should visit once in their life.
I can feel your movements against the shared wall we are leaning up against. It makes me feel as though we are one. Queue Pocahontas song...
Sitting in bed reading a porn novel off my phone and accidentally just made Siri start reading the most graphic part aloud. FUN FIRST NIGHT WITH THE NEW ROOMIE.
I've never known a porn star before
There's not even an emoji for this
I FUCKED WHEELCHAIR DUDE
HE'S INTO WEIRD SHIT
GOOD KIND OF WEIRD SHIT
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