We walked in and the first thing we heard was, "OH SHIT! White chicks!" Naturally, I made some new male friends.
shes got that 'its my party i can do meth if i want to' mentality. i like that.
Know what's awesome? Flying a mini helicopter while you shit.
Both the cop and the paramedic were hitting on me while I was on the ambulance. My boob fell out and they just about had full on erections right there. They Came back two hours later to sign my cast with their phone numbers. #stillhotwhilebleeding
I wanna give a stern lecture to whoever invented pants cause they are hard right now
Def just hooked up with my brother's senior prom date in his bed. Does that make me the worst brother ever?
She just broke into my apartment while I was asleep, woke me up and drunkenly tried to seduce me for about 2 minutes, then passed out..
It's whatever. Titanic is about to be on and we have wine, which is basically crying juice. Leo, Kate, and I will be having a lovely, pants free evening.
I gave the bike taxi guy a blowjob because I didn't have any cash. College.
I don't think anything is more terrifying than the thought that you might shit your pants in front of your boss
You made noises. And kept meowing. I have a twenty minute phone call to prove it.
God doesn't care if you're a paramedic, you can't do that to someones cat and still get into heaven
I have to lie to someone and move five gallons of fermenting alcohol across campus but after that i'll hit you up 4 sho
I woke up next to a Big Mac box.. And had no sheets or clothes on. The night was a success I think.
I just fucked her boyfriend. Happy birthday, bitch.
Randomize