Bigbird is at the bar Im at. whats her name
you started whispering 'the itsy bitsy spider' while you were putting your hands up my shorts.
Girl next to me just said "as a guy I used to sweat but not I don't. it's awesome" Oh. My. God.
Walking home still drunk in snow. Snowflakes are my only hydration..Need moreee
there were more penises there than on chat roulette
You graduated two years ago... You can't keep using spring break as an excuse.
He passed out. Woke up long enough to declare himself "the sauce boss" and then bit me in the face.
I told them the reason I passed out was because of "heat exhaustion." Not from showing up drunk. Good thing this is Arizona.
I don't even know where to begin....there's queso sauce and public hair stuck to everything
I dropped my keys into the toaster and felt it push down as I pulled them out. Couldn't stop thinking it was a bad idea the whole time.
I still don't know how you've lived this long.
I miss the "How many Grindr hits can I get while performing in an elementary school?" game.
I am pretty sure I just put SoCo in the bird feeder
the shoes thing blows my mind idk how the fuck i did that and im also missing 4 of my birth control pills like did i drunkenly decide to overload my body with estrogen
She said her name is "Goose" and regardless of her being a lesbian, sometimes she just "needs a good dick"
His ex told me that she wanted me to "take care of" him but from the way she said it I couldn't tell if she wants me to look after him or murder him.
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