he thought i was passed out so he proceeded to jerk off while i lay on the floor next to him
Is licking assholes a new fad or something?
Then he told me I had the most beautiful looking vulva
your mascara is on the toilet seat from when you fell asleep last night
Just tried to chase Captain Morgan with water...this whole drinking alone business is getting harder to do.
All i remember is Liz dragging me home yelling at me, crying, and barfing
Your headphones are on the door knob and I left you a burger on the door step.
Did you know there is a guy on the porch, wrapped in your snuggie, singing no woman no cry and drinking wine coolers?
The amount of knuckle children I've had to the Farrah Abraham sex tape is disturbing and impressive
No, it's cool, I just bounced from the hospital. I was...talking to a security guard, maybe?
she and her cat are both sick as fuck so they just sat there looking at each other with her nose dripping on the cat's. both out of fucks
I finally figured out how to tighten my bra straps and I feel like a god
Looks like I accidentally stole two of your beers and left my pants at your place.
How did you leave without pants?
How did the surgery go?
My face feels like a marshmallow.
I don’t care how cute or big a guy is I’m done with drunken hand jobs. It was like I was pulling a nine inch bungee cord for 25 minutes. Now My arm and shoulder is dead
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