Wanted to apologize for chris browning you when you were on my computer.
that girl looks like she smells like hot dog water...
i actually just woke up with a lampshade on my head. god damn cliches.
I'm wayyy too drunk to be in a parade right now
I mean I'm forever immortalized as the one who puked in his dad's straw hat.
Life lesson: When you compete in an impromptu "bloody mary chug-off," in the end, no one wins.
Dancing naked to Celine dion - im alive. No better way to start the day
We bought a hamster while completely stoned and 2 hours later returned it because your mother wouldnt let you bring it in her house. You cried. a lot.
Running across campus through Hurricane Sandy while hammered and in a slutty cowgirl costume obviously should be top priority tonight
I need a present that says please like me even though i'm banging your grandson
Dear God, please let me get my period. And if this one is fiercer than usual I completely understand.
I just twinged a muscle in my shoulder trying to hug myself. In the world of loneliness-based injuries, this is a new low for me.
Turns out my mom didn't really want to know I was in a new dimension last night from smoking so much.
I didn't mean that as an expression. I'm literally asking if you want to watch Netflix and do nothing.
Yes I went home with her last night. I woke up this morning and ran into my boss on the way to the bathroom. Monday is going to suck at work.
Randomize
