AIM automatically accepts video chats on my laptop. I found this out when I got a text from Jacob after my first attempt at drunk lesbian sex saying, "I'd give it a 7. You need to work on your positioning." I think I'm single now.
I just walked by a homeless man reading the money section of USA Today...
Driving with balloons in your car is more annoying than that bubble fart that doesn't leave your ass after your previous fart.
I wanna fuck padma even more now that she's preggers. Is that sick?
Yes but- 100% agreed
My grandma paid her handyman in pain killers. I now know why this is in my genes
my mom found me this morning spread out like jesus sleeping on the living room floor. i had a piece of bread over my eyes to block the light out
Even my vagina gasped.
I'm on my way, but at some point we're going to have to settle who gave who crabs the last time
My nose hurts from that stripper beating me with her tits
It wasnt until i started dancing that i realized i pissed myself dude. I dont think shes gonna call me back.
She throws back shots like they are NO-THING. I swear, she goes through like five straight tequila shots, does a jello shot, chases with half a hot dog, has a rum and coke, and then takes her shirt off and makes an impromptu bandage out of it for fuckin' Tim who cut himself on the flagpole. I'm going to marry her.
Burritos, beer, and hot tub sex. Merry Christmas to me.
dude, i just found out morgan freeman loves weed. all my moms arguments are now irrelevant
I'M NOT EVEN STOPPING FOR WINE SO I CAN GET TO THAT DICK QUICKER.
There's a guy in a plaid shirt running around asking everyone if they want to head butt him
Randomize
