even in my darkest moments, having another person eat my jizz would make me smile
Oh and apparently TSA has to open your present from my family or the terrorists win
this is the 21st century. you drunk fuck him and then go on a date.
There was a sweat stain in the shape of a fast chick with low standard on your bathroom floor
I put tequila in my salad dressing yesterday. Step the fuck up.
He drops f bombs like every other word and he just gave me 127 shares of tmobile stock for free. I feel like I should pay him back in blow jobs or something.
Last night you snap chatted some chick a pic of bottle service with the caption "send tits"
I feel like my stoner spirit animal is Janice from the muppets.
I don't know. I wanna do you but I also want a cheeseburger.
He said he wanted to sit next to the fountain so he could "watch the water hit the other water".
On a scale from 1 to banned, how offensive do you think it would be to wish my vibrator happy Valentine's Day on various social media outlets?
Now that it's over, I can finally say it and not feel bad,dude. Her mustache is better than yours.
I just made mac at 3:10 am... My life is falling apart...
My sex life reached a new low tonight: we stopped into this bar so I could pee and when I got out of the bathroom my parents had ordered a round for us and this traveling nurse they met and were trying to run game for me. Saddest part? She was actually going for it.
This can only be settled by a dance off.
Randomize
