In retrospect, pretending to punch a 9 year old girl in the face was a terrible analogy to use in a piano lesson.
I told him I'm not paying rent anymore because he's seen my boobs.
I was in the shower, he came in, had me give him a blow job, and left. I'm pretty sure I was just booty called. While taking a shower.
Im 95% ready to shit behind 711
I have a broken liver
I see that the whole "let's take a break from drinking" has worked out really well for us.
Pants-less sunday? Also I'm high and independence day is making me cry
im coming over
She said "oh yeah" like Hulk Hogan with the muscle flex and everything. Totally digging this chick
That would be a mascot riding an ATV at a semi-professional hockey game, if that doesn't sum up how I've been I don't know what could
I started my period on international women's day. It's like the world is congratulating me and punishing me for being a woman at the same time
Will you remind me I changed my hotspot phone password to fuckyouprivilegedwhitedude
Everything is fine, it's not hung over in here at all\n\n*Narrator* *but in fact everything was not fine*
Dude, I'm at a wedding and there's a mashed potato bar and bacon strip appetizers. I'm getting all emotional.
All I'm wearing right now is a condom and a sock.
Just one?
Yup. One sock.
It was kind of like hidden Mickey ears, but with dicks.
I texted him "my vagina is pounding for you"
I know, you made me proof read it.
Randomize
