He said i was a degenerate twofaced catholic slut and a grade a bitch. Quite complimentary really. i guess i shouldn't insult the red wings
please take me off your list of people to text when you don't want to drink by yourself.
idk how it happened. she made a very smooth transition from crying to blowing me
cutting back on calories before spring break by only taking shots instead of drinking actual drinks.
the diet of an alcoholic...
I'm telling everyone at work the mark on my neck is a hickey but really I was taking a shit while straightening my hair and burned myself
Any parent would be proud to have a daughter that's a blowjob fairy
I've crashed the car, it's a write off. The police are here and I'm dressesd as a crayon.
It was the textbook our-balls-touched-while-engaged-in-a-threesome-with-our-bosses-wife conversation.
It amazes and alarms me I'm not shocked to read that.
Febreezed myself at a stop light on the way to the IRS office. Judgmental glare from some old lady in the car next to me, thumbs up from her husband.
While the bouncer was checking my purse, he found a bag of pasta noodles in it and asked me why I put them in my purse. I said to him: "So the guy knows I can cook."
A dude was barking out of one of the buildings so I barked back and he goes, "Oh shit! She barked back! Come to room 803 I'll fuck you!"
You HAVE to stop telling me about the shit you do drunk. I can't be both your brother AND your gay friend.
Do you know how hard it is to put a bandaid on a vagina?
If you can't have hot, loud sex in a dorm for the last time ever, what can you do in this world?
You can get gift cards to the liquor store! This changes everything.
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