i can't put facebook on my resume under hobbies.
Fantastic night. drank beer from a wine bottle, danced on a van, chased a llama, and fell from a fence
he woke up with $200 in his pocket and had to buy his cell phone back from a hobo at the bus stop.
you grabbed his arm with one hand and the bottle of smirnoff with the other and headed off to your room you were on a mission
just so you're aware of it in the morning: you tried to slide down the railing on a snuggie. twice.
I woke up naked dangling by my feet from the balcony over his foyer. He's officially my new favorite booty call.
There's something odd about buying beer for the first time while wearing my school sweater from kindergarten, but I don't mind.
I may or may not have just sent the bartender a pic of me in my slutty cheerleader costume with the caption "rah rah ree, gimme yo d"
He doesn't belong with God. He belongs face-down in a pile of his own excrement, vomit, blood and semen. Then pissed on by Satan.
Sorry my hands just texted you
Dress was in bathroom covered in shards of glass, earrings on living room floor, bracelet still missing, purse in backyard. The cast of Princess Bride all left the bar to make sure I was ok. Perfect night
Can you think of a sexual word rhyming with snorkel?
Dude. Photoshop a Santa hat on your mug shot and send it as your Christmas cards.
I feel like my dick pic collection should be archived at the Smithsonian
We met up and made out in front of an empanada spot, if that's not romance then idk what is.
Randomize
