i feel like the prize bull at the rodeo. everybody got a ride, no one lasted more than 8 seconds and i'm pretty sure i kicked one of them in the ball sack
i would totally switch to progressive if they'd let me bang that girl in the commercial.
It's not true, it's not true! She's too full of cheese to have sexy time!
So i got in my car, the seats are leaned back, and soft soul music is playing. Wtf happened last night.
No stds, not pregs, and lost two pounds. I'd call that a successful two years of grad school.
We're going clubbing with matching soccer jerseys on.
What will that accomplish?
It will accomplish clubbing with matching soccer jerseys on.
Just figured out I can wedge my iphone between my boobs so it stands up at a perfect handsfree reading angle. Clearly somebody up there wants me to smoke this bowl while I watch my bieber videos
Its so hard looking at my mom and pretending I'm not dying a slow death of binge drinking
I just need to go to a bar tonight wrapped in an American flag singing the national anthem
This is one of those moments when you do what I say or I come stalk you down like a gazelle.
yeah that's what i said...you fucked him and peed on his comforter
yeah well...Like any great yacht, I leave a wake
So apparently I initiate sex in my sleep
You both snapchatted me that. Like, I just got a double dose of penis pastry.
ive started thanking my toys after masturbating. might be time to get some fuck boys
Just got invited to a tree party by some random chicks. They're literally just sitting up in a tree with a handle of rum and a box of goldfish crackers and yelled at me as I was walking by...
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