Literal conversation "you are ________ ____. you facebook friended me"
I am not sure how to feel about the fact that I was turned on by someone with a penis. I can't believe Lady Gaga would do this to me. :(
I'm at the grocery store buying monistat and corn nuts. thank god for self check out.
so I'm coping with getting the "I'm not over my ex" bomb dropped on me by getting drunk and yelling at people while wearing a purple princess hat
so, she was so drunk she tried stabbing me with a corn dog stick
i don't know what part of 'duct tape bikini waxes' seemed even a little okay in our drunk minds, but i'm never drinking with your sister again
Im drinking ciroc out of an ice cream cone... my night is going fantastic
well his attempt to make a white russian with instant coffee, gone off milk, and that weird probably illegal vodka we bought the other day isnt going well
I am in the bathroom at work, pooing while eating pretzels. Hungover Fridays are in full effect
30-degree weather + Metal Cockring Monday = really hard to pee.
Damn you. I'm in a bar with Southern Jesus Fearing Blah Blah Rednecks WHO ARE PROBABLY VOTING FOR TRUMP and you go radio silent.
He just made this face while he was fucking me and he looked like the hunchback of Notre Dame, I had to stop him.
Go have a frustration cry and get over it
I woke up to a gigantic ft-long tootsie roll and a note by drunk me with the words "you're welcome"
You were lost on foot. Texted us and told us that N*Sync couldn't save you, and then you "met Jesus" in your car.
Randomize
